Spicy Tofu Sausage: Not as disappointing as you might expect.

Dear Heather,

If you are bored with your diet because you cook the same thing over and over with minimal variation, try cooking something different.  Just for a change.

For fuck’s sake,

The Internet

I half-heartedly apologize for using the f-word.  And whole-heartedly encourage you to try this recipe.  I started with a recipe I found online, then went a little sideways with it because I was missing some ingredients and just don’t care for others.  So I guess this might be an original.

The secret to cooking tofu that doesn’t taste like congealed cardboard with some herbs sprinkled over it is to marinate it for at least a half hour.  The tofu has time to soak in the flavor all the way through, increasing its palatability by about a thousand percent, especially if you cut it into small cubes.

Marinades require an acidic liquid to blend the flavors together, and there’s an infinite variety of changes you can make to a basic recipe so that it suits your tastes.  Don’t like cayenne pepper? Don’t use it.  Not a fan of lime juice? Try apple cider vinegar or rice vinegar instead.  Orange juice would also work - just try to consider how flavors will come together before you start throwing things into bowls.

When all else fails, do a sniff test.  Put your face right into the bowl and breathe deep (Warning: If you haven’t added liquid to your spice mix yet, move fast so you sneeze outside the bowl.  Unless you want to dry-rub your face.)  If it doesn’t smell good, try adding something else or toss it and start over before adding the tofu. Unlike wine, subtle humor and high-interest investments, It’s not likely to get better with time.  

Tofausage Saufu Soyage …

Spicy Tofu “Sausage”

In a bowl that has a tight-fitting lid, combine:

½ tsp salt

½ tsp ground black pepper

½ tsp ground sage

¼ tsp garlic powder

¼ tsp celery seed

½ tsp rosemary

¼ tsp ground nutmeg

¼ tsp cayenne pepper

3 Dashes caraway seed

1 Dash ground cloves

Mix the above well, then add:

½ Tbsp blackstrap mollasses

1 egg replacement (1 Tbsp ground flax + 3 Tbsp warm water. Mix and let sit until it congeals and looks gross)

2 Tbsp lime juice

Mix all ingredients well.

Cut ½ package firm or extra firm tofu into small cubes.  Add to the marinade mixture, put on the lid and shake gently to coat the tofu thoroughly.  Set it aside for about 30 minutes or longer.  

Fry up the tofu until it’s cooked as much as you want.  If you use a non-stick pan, you won’t need much oil at all to accomplish this.  Turn tofu frequently by shaking the pan rather than flipping with a spatula, unless you want it to come out more like ground sausage bits than firm cubes.

Add to homefries, breakfast burritos or whatever strikes your fancy.  I like to make homefries with coconut oil instead of olive oil, and add a few slices of avocado.